Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
