I don't usually arrange sex via text message
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
