Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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