she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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