My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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