Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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