Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
