time to smoke my breakfast
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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