I met the friendliest cop last night
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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