Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
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