I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
What a dumb baby whore.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
