At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Randomize
