in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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