I have demons in me.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Randomize
