i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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