Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
