If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
