I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
