Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Randomize
