the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
