he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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