yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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