She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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