I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
