I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
