we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
