Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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