I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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