dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
