I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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