i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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