What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
