I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
