Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
