Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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