Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
