Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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