This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
