ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
