i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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