The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
