I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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