My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
