True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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