Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
