just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
