She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
