Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
