I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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