I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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