I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
and i looked up. we had an audience...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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